Bliss, Thrills, & Happiness…

So, I’ve been watching a lot of reality TV shows—mostly of the “quest-to-find-true-love” sort of reality TV shows, like “Why Am I Still Single?” and “Tough Love”. They combine two of my favorite things: love and dumb television programming. No, really. If I weren’t an artist and teacher, I’d probably be studying to be a marriage counselor—I just love love that much (and words that rhyme with it). So, as I reflect—as is my custom—on my love life, hear stories from my friends, and watch networks that are SUPPOSED to be playing music videos (which shall remain nameless), I can’t help but comment from time to time on how bad we are at loving, especially romantically; and, I think I have an idea as to some of the issues at the heart of our relationally impaired culture.

Perhaps the only issue we have time to talk about in one post—lest this post become a book—is that many people who are looking for love, don’t know what they’re actually looking for, even if they say otherwise. Let’s not look at our feelings, or our words about our feelings. Let’s look at our actions, they are the most straightforward indicators as to our attitudes toward love. What am I really looking for? The thrill of sexual chemistry? The security of being wanted? The bliss of genuine intimacy? Yes. A resounding yes to all of these. Relationships, however, are made of more than bliss, thrills, and happiness. Yet, bliss, thrills, and happiness, are the emotional gold rush of dating people in our time—each person running West, spurred on by the cliches of a hopeless romance. They determine whom we date, how long we date them, and govern the questions that guide us in choosing someone to date: 

How much money do they make?

How do they dress?

What do they smell like?

Are they a good kisser?

How tall?

How heavy?

The list goes on; however, the summary of these C-average questions is “How happy will this person make me?” There are better questions, but if your feelings are your compass through these relational waters, then you will always run ashore on the beach of heartbreak at worst—disenchantment at best. So what then can be our lighthouse, guiding us to the isle of meaningful relationships? 

Values, my dear, values—not just knowing what you want, or want to feel, but knowing who you are, and what type of person you can build something real with. It doesn’t just fall into place by the power of Cupid and osmosis. Values hold a relationship together and keep it moving, keep it growing. Values help us ask better questions: How can I contribute to this person’s life—how can I add value to them? Is this the person I want to come home to after a long day at work? Do I want my daughters/sons to be like this man/woman (because they probably will be)? Now, are these the only types of values there are? Absolutely not. Even the rather superficial questions I asked before are based on values—and some of them are actually GOOD values; but, by and large, I think that we need better values and better questions, leading to better choices and relationships…

I say all of that as I think about the next project I’m thinking of doing—an short EP about the girl of my dreams; but, instead of writing about what I want to “feel” (which changes like the weather in New York this fall), I’m going to write about what my values are for choosing a mate—the things that I think, if I stay true to as I date, will help me find an appropriate woman to build a lifelong relationship with. I’ve got three things I’m looking for, three questions I ask myself: Can I see myself being lifelong friends with this woman—like real friends that like doing stuff together, that enjoy each other’s company, and have tons of respect for each other? Does this woman understand what I feel created to do, and can they stand by me as, at least, as a source of encouragement as I do that—if not working with me in that mission directly (and vice versa)? And, do I want to have sex with this woman? If you’re just looking for bliss, thrills, and happiness, there is no need to ask these types of questions; but, if you’re looking for more, then I think knowing what is important and asking important questions are key.

What are your values? What questions guide you in picking someone to date?